Wow, reading back on my trials, I am tempted to make fun of myself, say things like "man, that Justin lacked so much perspective". While that may be true, that Justin also desired things that were noble, true, and genuine.

I feel like I am in that place once again. Time may show that I am lacking perspective, but at the moment, I feel my desires are noble, true, and genuine.

----------

Why me, God? Why me? Why now?

In my search for girls to explore romantic intentions, did I not practice self control at a time where self control wasn't valued?

Was I not selfless with my time when my peers were less giving? Did I not count others interests and desires above my own?

In an area you hold such a high and difficult standard, was my mindset not pure? Was not my approach admirable, worthy of imitation?

...

With Risa, did I not exhibit selfless love?

When she continually asked for much, did I not continually give much, asking nothing in return?

Did I not sacrifice my own search for romance with others so that I would not hurt her?

Did I not continually put her needs, and her desires, above my own?

Did I not practice discipline when everyone around me asks "why aren't you dating Risa, just do it already" and my mental response was "she's not ready"?

...

And when I learned that she was ready, was my conviction not true?

After years of practicing patience and discipline, am I now not called be a man, be assertive, and pursue the right thing, with the right woman, at the right time, in the right way?

...

God, this is too hard. Lord, you gave me this conviction, you let me taste it, experience it, why must you potentially take this good thing away from me?

Why are you potentially asking me to help someone else have what I (arguably) rightly want?

So this is what grace is. The unmerited favor of God, that we have received freely, and we should freely give.

So this is what it means when you gave us a new commandment to "love one another as I have loved you".

To "love your enemy, and pray for those who persecute you", for "If you love those who love you, what reward will you get?". "do not even the pagans do that?"

God, let the record show that I am deeply attracted to Risa Punzalan, for all the right things, for all the right reasons. If we were to explore romance, the probability of success would be quite high, for good reason. I have run this race the right way, with Godly perseverance, and feel the time is right to finish this leg of the race.

But.

If you are potentially asking me to deny myself this imminent joy.

If you are potentially asking me to give up my life's highest desire.

And then on top of all that, have me go the extra mile.

To love Frank.

To pray for Frank.

To help Frank experience joy with Risa in place of me, at my direct expense.

And to accept that you are asking me to be selfless for Risa, and that you are not asking Risa to be selfless for me.

Holy Spirit, give me strength. I can't deny myself, love my enemy, and pray for grace for my enemy without your help.

To God be the glory, even if I must lose my life.

Labels: Punzalan, Risa, Risa Punzalan

posted by justin at 8:49 AM