speaking of lack of perspective.

I have been tricked into believing there exists such a thing as the "specific will" or the "individual will" of God. Not to the point that we have to pray to decide to have chicken or beef for dinner, but I did believe that in terms of choosing who to date and who to marry, God did have an ideal choice, and not pursuing the ideal choice was unwise. That's flawed doctrine apparently.

After much googling of "God's moral will", I discovered, basically, that in non moral areas, we have freedom of choice, as long as we stay within moral guidelines and exercise wisdom. So with Risa, I can no longer believe that I'm missing out on an ideal reality. I will claim, however, that the thought of me and Risa, if given a choice, never felt more right and more wise.

So as of last night, Risa is in a exclusive, committed, dating relationship with Frank. Good for her, happy for her, unfortunate for me.

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There is tension around her view of her feelings and my view of her feelings. As far back as the beginning of our friendship I am repeated offender of committing the crime of not considering her feelings, of treating her feelings as a side issue. I feel terrible for that.

"Why do I feel I always have to defend my feelings towards Frank?"

I deeply know how Risa works. I deeply understand how vividly she experiences life. She very much lives in the moment, and all she has are those feelings. How can I be so inconsiderate of the thing she holds in highest regard?

"What did you not understand when I kept saying 'I really, really like this guy' "

I guess when I told her at day 16 that I like her, I figured from my perspective it was still early enough on to "leave" Frank for me. Its not like right now, where they've communicated and defined the relationship as an exclusive, committed dating relationship, so such a request is out of bounds. I was hoping that i was early enough on where such a requested was still within bounds. Even day 16 was too late. I was too late.

Maybe that's where our perspectives differ. Let's say we switched places. Let's say there's a girl I like romantically, but she declined early on, but we still became best friends. Our friendship is strong, and a blessing to each other, though she has sacrificed a lot for my sake. For self preservation purposes, as well as not to be a burden to said girl, I endure the long painful process of getting over her, and down the line I meet this new girl, and we click. At day 16 of meeting this girl, my best female friend says to me "You've grown so much, I couldn't date you because I had a high standard, your growth has qualified you for unlocking romantic potential, what do you say?"

For me, even though I had gotten over the girl, I would heavily consider ditching the new girl for the best friend. Why wouldn't I give my best friend the chance to explore that romance? The foundation for a strong relationship is already there, and the only thing missing was her attraction for me. Now that that's there, and she's sacrificed so much for me along the way, can I really deny her that opportunity to explore something that can be so good, so right, that hinges on my revisiting my feelings for her?

Its not that I lack the capacity to see her that way, because I could. Its not that I discovered something about her that disqualified her from liking her, because she hasn't. The key ingredient missing from creating something special is my feelings for her, and the reason it is current lacking state suggests such a state can be reversed.

I guess that is what this all boils down to. I believe there's something more important than those initial passionate feelings. Two people, who obviously fit, who both love God, who have capacity to "like" each other, easily qualify for exploring marriage potential. It would be right that these two people get together.

That a variable such as "timing" can derail such wonderful potential, feels unfair. I understand that relationships in the real world revolve around timing, I just wish the real world were more ideal.

And I guess for Risa, all that matters is, is that the feelings aren't there for me at the present, and the feelings for Frank are present, and that's what matters.

That's why she gets defensive. Her feelings and experience are sacred, and something to be protected, and I'm claiming there's something bigger, more important, than that.

I think that's it.

Risa: Why do I always feel like I'm under attack? That my feelings for Frank have to be defended and justified? Why can't you respect the fact that I really really like this guy? Why can't you accept that, and move on?

me: Because maybe there's something more important than those feelings.

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I didn't realize by day 16 they were so close, and practically dating, making my requests out of bounds.

I didn't realize that Risa has to explore her feelings, it is her identity to do that, and that i was basically saying feelings take a back seat to something more important.

I keep forgetting that to Risa, painful life experiences are neither good nor bad, they just Are. Even if they can be anticipated, there is little purpose in avoiding it. The experience of the journey is more important than the purpose of the journey, or the possible good or bad destinations of the journey.

I don't know the basis for Risa and Frank. Maybe the foundation is stronger than I though, but I am on the outside looking in. I am working off of incomplete information.

God's moral calling is to love. It is to love when it hurts, and when it starts hurting, you love even harder.

I will desire that Risa and Frank do things the right way, and if things go well, good for them. I do not desire ill towards them.

I will continue to love Risa, and try to be the best person I can be for Risa.

To God be the glory.

Soli Deo Gloria.
posted by justin at 8:40 AM