I guess what bugs me most about choosing the option of moving on and moving forward is that it concedes that reality that finding a spouse is, ultimately, a competition. Women are want most men want, and they want the best one for them. If two men desire the same woman, good luck getting one to make a sacrifice and give her up without a fight. I believe competition is good in sport and in capitalism, but I would prefer competition to be kept out of love, dating, and marriage.

I feel once you concede that dating is a competition, you concede dating to be similar to a sport or a business. In sports and in business, the bottom line is to win at most costs, and the means to reach the end aren't considered. Possible costs of winning include prioritizing your needs and desires above all else, your competitors be damned. I fear is that the phrase "it's not personal, it's business" can and will be applied to a very personal activity that is dating, love, relationships and marriage.

As a Christian, I believe we, the people on earth, are sinful, and we are broken. We should live our lives aware that by God's grace alone we have been forgiven, and in light of that give grace out to others. We are supposed to love as Christ has loved. What would the dating landscape look like if people pursued potential spouses while holding other's interest above their own? Wouldn't the opportunity to create the reality be worth it?

So there's this girl, Diana, who lives in Houston. She goes to HCC, my mom adores her, and she's overall an intriguing possibility. While I have my desires to get to know her, I am quick to "sacrifice" those desires for other's desires. ( I use the term sacrifice in quotation marks because it could be argued that it wasn't really a loss at all, but I think my point still stands). Whenever I would go home I would have the opportunity to spend time with her in group settings on Friday night, but instead I would spend my time maintaining my friendship with Risa. Face time is extremely important to Risa, especially since we're in separate cities, that I would invest my time in her, for her, at the cost of my time with Diana.

Later on, I learn my cousin figures out she's awesome, and likes her too. The twist is I had told him about my liking her months prior, and it could be perceived as party foul of the man law because for lack of better words, I was in line first. But you know what? Diana isn't mine. I have no real right or entitlement to her. I'm hundreds of miles away anyway. My reaction was genuine support for Joseph, hoping things work out for the best. I had no trouble giving up my desires for his sake.

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So my ideal model of how dating (for Christians) should work. Two individuals attempt to carve out their own life path, and live it to the fullest. They meet because their life paths just so happen to intersect. They discover that both individual's life paths line up well with the other, loving God and loving others. It wasn't forced. They didn't bend their path to appease the other person. They live out life for themselves, and they relatively seamlessly incorporate the other persons life path into it. They can be independent individuals with their own personal identity, but together.

What displeases me a lot about my current situation with Risa is that I feel like I am being denied that ideal.

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"what about my feelings? " Risa asks. "I feel like my life, my desires aren't being considered in your desires."

A couple nights ago, these words hit me really hard. Because somtimes, I feel that I have just as much "right" to say these words as Risa does.

Sooo many times in our friendship, I've sacrificed myself for her. She would agree. She is a woman of many wants and needs, and throughout our time together I have satisfied those for her, many times at the small cost of my own wants and needs. She has benefited greatly from it.

So when I imagined her saying that to me, I imagined me rebutting "Your needs? Really? Your needs? What about my needs?"

"My record of satisfying your needs is spotless. I serve you and provide you without expecting anything in return. Maybe it feels like I'm disregarding your needs because you're not used to be standing up and fighting for my needs (which so happen is rooted to serve your needs). Maybe you feel that way because I've never once spoken up and asked you to serve my needs."

"It's not that I feel you owe me, because you don't. This is not a trade. I am not calling in your debt. However, it does hurt that you are my friend, yet you make this decision to satisfy your and Frank's feelings at the steep cost of my own so easily."

"Do you know how much weight I put your well being into my life choices? Do you know the difficulties that come with that? "

"And the one time my well being can vastly benefit from a choice you could make, you choose the other. And when I fight extra for what I want, suddenly I'm the inconsiderate one?"

"If frank were in my position, would he make the same sacrifices as I am? Does Frank even feel bad about the cost of his current happiness? Would he ever consider well being above his own?"

"Maybe Frank sees this as a competition. He's got the girl. His competitors have been denied the prize he's won. Maybe he doesn't care about my attraction, and the basis for it. Maybe all that matters is his attraction. Better luck next time Justin"

"And I fear that you'd accept that attitude from him. That you would be okay that he thinks so little of the idea of Justin + Risa, and that he would scoff at the idea of sacrificing Frank + Risa for Justin + Risa"

"It would hurt me so much if you were okay with that"

Am I just a casualty of the war that is love? Does he not care that he's playing a part in the casualty? Would he even consider switching places with me because it would be less of a cost to him to lose risa than it would be for me to lose Risa?
posted by justin at 9:08 AM

Why am I so opposed to moving on?

Why is it that when I share I'm willing to wait on Risa, and risk sacrificing my prime dating years for nothing if things work out, that people think I'm stupid, foolish, or unwise?

What makes waiting so moral, they ask? What makes moving on so immoral, they ask?

What virtue is being violated or upheld in each decision?

That's what I'm here to find out.

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I do not understand how people have such different expectations between dating and marriage. Dating satisfaction seems to revolve around "are my needs being met" or "I'll meet your needs but I'll probably stop if my needs stop being met". Marriage is about mutual submission, mutual sacrifice of the individual's interests for the other's interests. While good times are good for marriages, a successful marriage isn't defined by its highs. Plenty of people get married because the highs were high enough, but half of them get divorced because the lows were too much to bear. It perplexes me that the foundation of modern dating has little to do with the high, selfless standard of marriage.

So when people say "what is so wrong about the social norms around dating that you think waiting on Risa is better", it is because I know, with every moral fiber of my being, that our foundation will be about giving love, not seeking love.

Do not seek love, but give love, first. This truth is not exclusive to marriage, but to dating, friendships, and every day interactions. God calls us to love, like he has loved us. God loved us first.

While the reality may be that finding a spouse in this world is a free for all, and that you better lock down and secure the prized female before she's snatched away by the hands of another, I believe love and marriage should be as far removed from self seeking, consumerist tones, and the world would be a better place if everyone approached it this way.

What virtue is being upheld by waiting, or conversely what virtue is being violated by not waiting? Selflessness, and putting other's needs above yours.

Right now, my SO spot is reserved for Risa, but Risa's SO spot is occupied by Frank. If things with Frank do not work out, it would be a good thing that Risa and I occupy each other's SO spot, but this good thing can only happen if both spots are vacant.

If, hypothetically, my patience grows thin and I find someone to be my SO, and during this time things don't work out with Frank. Suddenly, she's single, but I can't date her even though dating her would be a good thing, because i'm dating someone else, because thats a good thing too. How cruel would that be?

How cruel would it be that I can't rightly fulfill the needs of my very best friend, the person I hold closest to me, because earlier I wanted my needs to be met? What about loyalty?

"Sorry Risa, I can't give you/us the selfless love I am plenty capable of giving you because I couldn't wait on you to create something good, so I decided to create something good with someone else. You're just out of luck."

This hypothetical is very realistic. If I seek to date someone else and create something good with her, it may come at the cost of the opportunity to date Risa and her participation of that good creation with me. If I benefit at the cost of Risa not benefiting with me, I'd rather skip it.

I would rather put myself through that turmoil, that fear, that hardship of that feeling of loss via unrealized gain, than put Risa through it.

Risa and I have great potential together, if only we had the chance. And not potential like "if everything falls into place, then maybe" but more like "the opportunity is already ripe, it just needs to be seized".

I don't want to gain with someone else at the cost of her/us missing out on such potential gain.

Its the right thing to do.

Even if I don't get recognition.

Even if Risa and Frank work out and get engaged 3 years from now, resulting in me being 30, single, and never having a girlfriend.

May I have the courage to sacrifice, potentially, three of my most critical years, for the cause selflessnes, love, and loyalty.
posted by justin at 12:35 PM