So I'm in a holding pattern.

Lindyfest was rough. Risa confirmation was brutal.

All I could think about was that I was not going to get the thing that I wanted. My future was being threatened, and the situation could force me into an alternative, not as intended future. That negative experience was powerful.

And now the negativity has subsided, and I'm left wondering, again, now what?

Is this a false sense of security? Is the comfort of my present distractions (starcraft, work, credit cards) tricking me into thinking (incorrectly) that the loss of Risa won't be so bad? What if I like her, but numb myself, possibly permanently, into not liking her?

Or was the initial feelings the false ones? What if I was just being insecure, attributed that insecurity to my liking Risa, and used her growth as a convenient justification for liking her?

The experience was real. The negative, internal turmoil was real. I was convinced being with her would alleviate that. But, if I could alleviate it myself, would I still want to be with her?

I'm starting to not like my capacity to be content with not having things. Its good in terms of not valuing status, fame, or money, but it also trickled into relationships as well. In high school, I was content with not having schoolmates as close friends, so it didn't hurt that there was distance, nor did I care to develop said friendships.

I fear that that possibility may become real here. In order to cope with my feelings, will I kill it, even subconciously, to the point where I can never get it back? Or, if I never get it back, does that mean I never had it to begin with?

I don't know what's real. Finding out the absolute truth is an extremely risky proposition.

But I do have a position on what the truth should be. Perhaps only to save face, and be a consistent person, but I want to have those feelings for her. I feel it would be right to have those feelings for her. And the current lack of sadness or insecurity worries me.
posted by justin at 12:26 PM