woke up at 4:30.  Partiallly because of jet lag, but partially because of what's been what's been looming over the whole year.

Broke down again.  Yesterday evening.  As time passes, the more I realize how unfair this feels for me.

I can't stand it.  This situation sometimes makes me physically ill.  It has all the elements that I can't stand, elements that I fight and endure pain to ensure I do not perpetuate these elements.

Perception vs reality.  I know what the reality can be.  For better or for worse, the mental image is there, and it is real, and it is good.  Things can definitely work out.  What sucks, and what pains me so much, is not that Risa no longer shares that outlook, but because of why she doesn't.  I haven't done anything wrong.  Reality has not changed, but yet her perception has changed, and this shift in perception may deny a wonderful reality that was meant to be.

Wisdom and decision making.  I don't see dating as a game.  There are goals to achieve, and there are values to be upheld.  I would like to think my attraction for Risa is rooted in pure motives, with a strong foundation, intended to uphold noble values, based on factors that matter.  Frank seems like a nice guy...but it pains to think how their bond strengthens, and how their attraction grows.  It makes me sick to think about them bonding over drinks.  Them bonding over saturday nights at the club.  Them bonding over cuddling, over PDA and not so public DA.  Its so easy to become attracted to that.  And what sucks is that that gives Frank eligibility for his longer term attractive qualities to accepted.  Qualities that I already have, qualities that i have an established history of being displayed, but because I've been disqualified from being accepted, even though i have the goods, it doesn't matter to her, because I went in the wrong order.  Flash the short term, in order to sneak in and positively frame the long term.  I hate that.

Perception vs reality, part 2.  The drinking, the clubbing, the nice dinners, the expressions of affection that don't mean anything in the long run, but reels Risa in for the short run, allows Frank to reach the stage to display things that do matter in the long run.  What if his long term qualities don't compare to mine, yet because he went in the socially accepted order, he wins the prize?  What if the reality should have been me and Risa, and us being fantastic, but because that isn't being perceived, it ends up being Frank and Risa, and them being only okay?  How messed up is that?  And the thing is, she can't say no at that point either.  its the point of no return.  Will she really deny me an awesome reality that could be if given a chance, and should have been given a chance, for the current perceived reality that is actually lesser?  If it was the other way around, where I get Risa and Frank doesn't, it would not be as unfair because Frank can't claim that a better reality was denied.  I can.

There is a glorious reality that should be now, but currently is not because of perception.  I may be denied that glorious reality, because of factors that don't matter.

The clincher that makes me privately weep in sadness?

Risa knows all of this.

She knows my stance on perception vs reality, and how much I fight to uphold what reality ought to be.

She knows my stances on how wisdom and good decision making matters, and how people who plan ahead should be rewarded.

She knows how much it kills me on the inside to see things as they are.

She knows how much it kills me on the inside because for once, it is not "the world" doing this to me, but her, my best friend, personally doing this to me.

I expected the world to not be fair.  I expected life to suck, and not to be everything you'd hope for.

I never expected best friend, the person who is most important to me, to be the one to knowingly administer the unfairness, injustice, and pain.  That sense of betrayal by my best friend, whether fair or not, breaks me the most.
posted by justin at 7:43 AM

I write this on Eric's iPad. I miss her. The thought of not having her is getting more constant, and it is torture. I re-experience the torment that was seeing risa with frank at Singh Singh. Before I left for Korea I was talking to her on her drive home from work. She mentioned Amy and city center together. I figured she wouldn't go with justamy there and that's a convenient location and time to hang out with frank. But when I heard his voice as our convo was wrapping up... Yeah... It is such a breaking feeling. The threat of imminent loss is overwhelming. Deep sadness seeps in. Those thoughts reappeared in Korea. I miss her.
posted by justin at 2:43 AM