Maybe its just the massive hours of diablo distracting me, but the anxiety has not returned yet.  Here's another possible explanation why.

I'm trying my best not to tamper.  Discussions like "what are you goals, dreams, aspirations" and just general learnings of Risa are restricted.  In other words, I'm keeping my distance, and from a distance, she looks/feels like the person I befriended and didn't date in college.

But there's more to her than that.  There are still things to learn about her, things i want to know and discover and find fascinating and intriguing.  I know this, for that's what was happenning in the beginning of the year.  The things I discovered about her...that was intoxicating and attractive

So if I feel this way because i'm distancing myself from seeking out the attractive side of her, and subconciously discounting her, will I be able to regain the true, full perspective later on, or will I have pigeon-holed her? 

So is this what it feels like on her end?  She knows who I am, she was once attracted to me, but no longer is, even though I am the same person?  At first I couldn't understand why she was finding it difficult to regain a previous perspective when the person/situation is the same, but now I can see it it exists.

It just does.  It just is.  There is no control over it.

Well, for me, I'm would prefer not to use that as an excuse.  I would prefer not to allow shift in perspective change reality when there was no shift in reality.

Please please please I hope I can step up when the time is right.
posted by justin at 3:51 PM

ah, so here's the phrase that I've wanted to capture.

So in Christian culture, we have this notion that Jesus is the real deal, and anything that we put above Jesus is a cheap substitute.  Money, status, grades, sex, sin, are nothing compared to Jesus, so why do we seek out such trash?

I fear that I will subconsciously use security and independence as a cheap substitute for Risa.  I fear that I will look at Risa and find her not worth pursuing because I don't need her, I have security and pride and independence.

May such trash never displace the attraction I have for her or displace the anxiety I experience when the threat of loss looms.

 "Sorry Risa, I thought you were worth pursuing, but I've lost my motivation.  My life would be perfectly fine if I lost you to someone else."

Damn it, my independence, self security, and pride better not ruin things here.

Its one thing when insecurity and unhealthy dependence drives people into unhealthy relationships.

Its another thing when foolish pride and unhealthy independence drives people away from healthy relationships.
posted by justin at 2:49 PM

woke up at 5:30.  rawr jet lag.

the past month has been torture, and those feelings climaxed thursday night as I messaged risa and communicated the "am i crazy?" vibe I get from her and from others, and maybe sometimes myself.  The potential of perceived total devastation was looming too great.

Then I saw her friday, and there was this eery calm.  No anxiety.  No threat.  Just like the good old days...which unfortunately means I felt like she's cool, but not over-the-top head-over-heels worth pursuing and giving up everything.  There was a odd sentiment of 'this is nice, but losing this wouldn't be so tragic".

I don't want that.

I don't.

In college, it was easy for me to dismiss the positives, strengths, or attractive qualities of something in order to make it less desirable.  I already dismiss money and housing as unnecessary, as well as good food (though I do enjoy it).  And while Risa and I had a lot of good things going for us in our friendship in college, in order to exercise wisdom and do the right thing, I would dismiss these good things as "short term"  (which i would argue, they were), and focus more on the reasons why things wouldn't work out (which I would argue, were valid long term reasons not worth the risk of testing).

I do not want my brain to dismiss her.  I do not want my brain, in effort to preserve its sanity and well being, to diminish her strengths and her awesomeness into a shruggable, ignorable, meh-able value.

That would be terrible.

Risa is a fantastic person.  She is special.  The reason I have been trembling the past month is because the thought of losing such a special person triggers such strong anxiety.  That perception is the true reality, or definitely should be.

I don't want my brain to shift from that perspective into a revisionist history "you know, she really doesn't have THAT much value, she doesn't really bring THAT much to the table, so you can afford to pass this up for someone else, so she's not worth pursing".

No.

She is worth pursuing.

My brain better not screw this up.

If that time comes in the future where i have an opportunity to pursue, I pray that I do not dismiss her significance as a person, ignore her value as a person, and just pass.  I must maintain this true perception of her that she is amazing, worth pursuing, and total devastation should occur if I miss out.
posted by justin at 6:56 AM