btw the catalyst for teh anxiety this time was facebook updates. wednesday they had pizza. today they to comedy sports. twice so far this week.
its like having your death flash before your eyes.
posted by justin at 2:30 AM
watch me be all anxiety free in the morning after this late night breakdown. just to make things even more confusing for me...
posted by justin at 2:20 AM
I concede that the following is from my experiential point of view, and may not accurately reflect the reality of the situation, but it is my experience, and until shown otherwise, it feels pretty damn real.
I meet Rachelle my freshman year. I really wanted to get to know her. I had opportunities to get to know her. For all I know, she practically invited me to get to know her. But I declined. Why? Because to me, the group is more important than me. Slosh is more important than me. More important than us. It was most critical to invest time in others your first and second year, and not yourself. Unfortunately I did this unilaterally, for I didn't know any better, but my heart was in the right place. My personal needs were to come last, but I fear it may have set me back.
I meet Risa my senior year, as my friendship with Rachelle deteriorated into nothing. I learn a few things from the Rachelle experience, and apply it with Risa. No gender gaps allowed. Down with socially constructed boundaries, and up with authenticity. Risa likes me, but I couldn't date her. So I waited for her to get over me before I sought out romance for myself. Yes, I was well aware she was occupying that GF slot, and possibly scaring others away from occupying that, but I wasn't going to ask her to get out of that slot. She had to exit on her own terms. My romantic pursuits could be delayed until she was over me, so that her emotional cost would be lessened. Again, I placed her needs above my own, but I also fear that it may have set me back.
So then this year happens. I apologize for the timing of my attraction, because it could easily be attributed to insecurity and jealousy, but it could also be legitimate attraction. There's no way to isolate what's what, but I feel like I deserve that opportunity to figure it out. She won't give me that opportunity.
So I wait. I fight for a reality that should be, not merely resign to what reality is. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. Sometimes I think she thinks I'm crazy (she says she doesn't). But the selfless, loving thing to do here is to once again, put her needs above my own, so I take a huge risk and allow Risa to date Frank with as little protest out of me. I can't affect, influence, tamper, or in any way bias her decision, as much as I believe I'm a choice worth choosing. Though she says she understands my sacrifice, sometimes I feel like she doesn't.
Sometimes all I get out of her is an imaginary pat on the back. "oh gosh, you're not going to abuse your abilities to play the game to win me back. Thanks for letting me have such a great time with my current attractive choice that may ultimately cost you if I get lucky. Here's a pat on the back, and a cookie."
And what happens in the end? What if they go the distance? Will she truly appreciate my placing her needs above my own?
"Yay, I have a rock on my finger. you're such a trooper for letting me have this. Have a cookie.."
That mental imagery of the lack of true, deep appreciation at the very moment want to be understood the most broke me down as i was trying to sleep. I fear that once again, I'm going to be set back, but this time by the last person who should be delivering it.
"So let me get this straight. My freshman year, I make a conscious decision to live for the collective, and I get set back. Your freshman year, I make a conscious decision to have your life and your needs prioritized higher than mine, and I get set back. In 2012, I again make a conscious decision to have your life and your needs prioritized higher than mine, potentially setting me back in the most extreme way possible, in from my POV the most unjust way possible. You've just reached the finish line, and I have yet to start running the race for your good, and all I get from you is lip service "thank you"?"
"Tell me. Is your fiance man enough to have made the same difficult but right choice I made? Funny, I don't care what your response is, because the answer to that is hypothetical. Guess what? I made that difficult but right choice not once, but TWICE. Once when you liked me, and once when I liked you. If people are supposed to be drawn to such displays of character, why is it that you two finished the race, yet I have yet to start?"
-------
I'm hurting. This hurts. By regular social norms, what she is doing is definitely permissible. No universally accepted code of conduct is being violated. Two people consented to exclusive exploration, and my relationship with her was non binding, non restrictive.
That doesn't make this feel less like cheating. My heart doesn't feel any less crushed and defeated knowing there was no breach of social contract.
My heart went above and beyond the "this for that" social contract in the past. I wish, just once, someone would return the favor and do that for me, so that just once, I may receive benefit instead of sacrificing for someone else's benefit.
posted by justin at 2:14 AM
I think i know what this is.
This may be involuntary, subconscious overconfidence or false security.
The same thing I had when I first told her this year, and my experience waiting for her reply when she travelled to austin.
She told me in Austin.
My heart had not hurt so much.
Like getting the wind knocked out of you, when you least expect it.
So, more likely than not, i wait until my heart gets destroyed again.
Happened in January.
Happened Valentine's day.
Happened lindyfest.
Happened at confirmation weekend.
May not have happened this past weekend.
But it will proably happen soon.
Birthday?
Anniversaries?
Holidays?
Brace for impact, we should be at red alert, but we're not, and that's why its gonna suck even harder.
posted by justin at 10:35 PM
