This moving on thing is incredibly difficult to internalize.  Maybe it is because I still feel slighted, and I still feel like I am being treated or judged unfairly, without any explanation.  I feel bitter.  You can't really move on when you feel bitter.

But since, cognitively, I should be moving on, then I suppose I'm not bound to as many restrictions in terms of honest communication.  So here's my stream of consciousness cliffs notes of tomorrow's talk.

...

This doesn't deal directly with "who benefitted more", because friendships don't exist without some sort of mutual benefits.  However, from my perspective, much more was asked of me, and I gave, even when it hurt, or was costly.

When you ask something from me, and I give, you benefit.
When you ask something from me, and I don't give, you pout.
When I asked something of you, you pouted.
Since I thought I was being a good person is weighing your benefit over my cost, your pouts as more important than my costs, I gave.  I de-prioritized my personal time.  I de-prioritized my money.  I even de-prioritized my romantic interests.

Its not like I really chose this, either.  I didn't have to do all this.  I could have pulled the healthy boundaries card and lived a more self serving lifestyle.  But, you kind of asked me to do this for you, so I made the sacrifice, because it was requested of me, and I felt I could afford to take the hit.

So, while it did set me back, and I was a bit frustrated at my situation, I wasn't really mad at you.

Then this year happens.  Day 16 happens.  I hope, pray, that you'd make the right tradeoff.  For me.  For us.

Didn't happen.  What?

In light of all the available information, you somehow concluded that I was less fit to hold that position in your life?

I asked you just one thing, one thing that came at the cost of a 16 day thing, so that I, a friend of years and years, could benefit, and my requested gets denied?

On top of that, you still asked me to deprioritize my feelings so that you can have an easier, less crappy time.

Frank got in a car accident.  Who was there, helping you find phone numbers, in the midst of inner turmoil?  I did.  You asked me to do that for you, and I manned up and did it.  For you.

Sinh Sinh.  Who did the best job he could not to ruin your evening of confirmation, congratulation, and pda twitterpaitedness honeymoon phase with your boyfriend?  Who was suffering, dying, on the inside, at the hands of his negligent best friend?  I did.

Who bawled and wept in private immediately afterward, when the pain was just too much?  I did.

You want to know why I sometimes fear the worst case scenario of me losing a 2nd friendship?

That after all the times you asked, and I gave, and all the times I didn't ask figuring you wouldn't give, I make the most pleading of all requests for you to choose me, and you don't give me what I ask.  You can't really justify why either.

So I feel like I'm being slighted by the person I trust most, and I get no explanation.  You see, if the explanation was good, I would be frustrated, but I would not be frustrated at you.

Now, I'm frustrated at you.  What's the point?

...

You mentioned something about how to go about moving on.  You said it wasn't smart to share your flaws first.

That angered me.

That basically says that if you want someone to eventually know you inside and out, make sure the order is right.  You can be completely honest, but only AFTER you have cleverly manipulated your presentation of self to be positive.

Future girlfriend, if you come across this, if dating is just like seeking Godly community, but on a much smaller, dyadic scale, should it not include the values of genuineness, honest, and authenticity?
posted by justin at 8:41 PM

So, without re-reading my old posts, this is how I justified my decision earlier this year.

1) I learn something about Risa, and it is good, therefore, I really want to explore that opportunity.

2) In terms of decision making, aren't I the more wise decision?  If I'm chosen, what are the costs?  If I'm not chosen, what are those costs?  How do those scenarios compare with each other?

3) God hates sin.  A personal extension of that, which is also biblically based, God values wisdom, and opposes recklessness.

4) Not that God loves us less when we commit sin, but should be not try to repent as much as possible?  Our life paths are a result of sin and mistakes, and wouldn't we be closer to God's will had we not committed those sins?  If I had the chance enforce the life path most close to God's will, should I not fight for that?

Makes sense right?  If I had sinned less in the past, I'd be on a different, more ideal life path.  If I had a chance to preserve an ideal life path in my mind, even if it hurts, I should do it.

So here are some thoughts from camp that clash with these previous thoughts.

The phrase "morally neutral" was used at discovery camp.  Is it possible that I've been spinning a neutral issue into a morally charged one?  Are the principles I'm citing relevant?

Morning 1 of impact:  the phrase "sinful self interest" was used.  Does that mean that there is such a thing as non-sinful self interest?  A motivating factor for my decision was that it would ultimately benefit her, at the cost of me.  Any seeking to engage in self preservation by seeking alternative girls, and thereby deviating from the idea life path.  Isn't the capacity to sacrifice for what's right, correct?  Now, with this newfound understanding, can i engage in self interest / self preservation and not be in sin?  Was God basically saying "yes, I can allow you to enjoy life".

Afternoon following:  1on1 with Kyle.  Go figure, Rachelle is engaged.  Not surprising, she's extremely attractive.  Guess that chapter is closed.

Morning 2:  wait a minute, is Renee a viable, God approved option?

Huh?

My brain went into overdrive.   Do we get along?  Do she love God?  What would a future with her look like?  So on and so on my mind went, because it was such a novel idea.

Why had I had considered her earlier, I pondered.  I realized most of my attractions have had inhibitors on them that made me have to wait.  Its not that they were attractive, or that I was unwilling to pursue them, but factors beyond my control made me think that such a pursuit would have to wait.  Any immediate or hasty decision would be unwise, and be of poor timing.

So, while not completely head over heels 'ZOMG YOU ARE THE ONE", I was incredibly intrigued in this possibility.  The inhibitor was lifted.  Suddenly, I had before me two equally viable and equally "right" feeling life choices.  If Renee were available, and Risa were not, I would be foolish to try to deny myself the Renee option because of "rightness".a

So the Renee option weighs on me until the end of camp.  I share my revelations with a close friend on the drive back to Austin.  Of his many good points, one was that it wasn't my responsibility to enforce the right life path.  Stop making it so hard on yourself, and just self preserve and move on, and its okay.  He also said that I was over applying selflessness and grace and sacrifice in an area that didn't warrant it.  While he didn't want to make me a more selfish person, this burden of giving up for what's right wasn't supposed to be mine to bear.

So,  time to revisit my initial research on the doctrine of providence.  God allows His moral will to be violated so that his providential will be increased.  I knew that already.  But wouldn't it be better that his providential will be done without moral violations, if we can help it?  Then I came across a passage in Acts 21, sometimes referred to as Paul's mistake.  While there are differing interpretations, here's the cliff's notes version:

In earlier chapters, Paul is compelled to visit jerusalem.
In chapter 21, his trusted peers "in the spirit" told him not to go.
An accredit prophet told him that trouble lay before him.
Paul disregards their views, and counters with "Why do you do this, inhibiting my zeal, don't you know I'm willing to die for Christ".
Paul goes on doing his own thing.
The rest of them say "let the Lord's will be done".

...

Wat?

His peers, and a prophet, Led by the Spirit, just let Paul do his own thing?  And the Spirit allowed it in terms of providential will?  The peers let him do his own thing, and the peers did not sin as a result?  Mind = blown.

In my personal world, knowing that he was deviating from a life path we knew was in the right via the spirit, seeing the atrocity of deviating from the true path would be unacceptable, and I would have put up a huge fight.  God's will is a big deal. Shall we sin such that grace my abound?  No way.  Don't abuse grace in terms of life path if you can help it.

One argument against me is that how close am I, really, to being 100% certain I'm correct.  How much should you commit to something you are only 60% certain is right, in the moral realm?  Earlier, I thought if something were 60% certain, you might as well be 100% because God want you to be bold in upholding integrity and virtue.  None of this in case I'm wrong, i better have an out.  I might be wrong in that area also.

so if disciples were led by the spirit, yet allowed the violation to occur, how arrogant am I, who's not a disciple, only 60% certain,  to force the violation to not occur?

So, maybe state your peace, then allow love, peace, and not strife to occur.  With newfound knowledge, I can move on, self maximize my opportunities within reason, without having to worry about God's will being violated.

And, if I were like Paul earlier in the year, well intentioned but ultimately misguided, now is the time to listen to the advice of people i trust, and not just do my own thing and be stupid just so that grace may abound.

Maybe this the out.  this is my comfort.  You don't have tell me twice to take it.
posted by justin at 7:08 PM