This moving on thing is incredibly difficult to internalize.  Maybe it is because I still feel slighted, and I still feel like I am being treated or judged unfairly, without any explanation.  I feel bitter.  You can't really move on when you feel bitter.

But since, cognitively, I should be moving on, then I suppose I'm not bound to as many restrictions in terms of honest communication.  So here's my stream of consciousness cliffs notes of tomorrow's talk.

...

This doesn't deal directly with "who benefitted more", because friendships don't exist without some sort of mutual benefits.  However, from my perspective, much more was asked of me, and I gave, even when it hurt, or was costly.

When you ask something from me, and I give, you benefit.
When you ask something from me, and I don't give, you pout.
When I asked something of you, you pouted.
Since I thought I was being a good person is weighing your benefit over my cost, your pouts as more important than my costs, I gave.  I de-prioritized my personal time.  I de-prioritized my money.  I even de-prioritized my romantic interests.

Its not like I really chose this, either.  I didn't have to do all this.  I could have pulled the healthy boundaries card and lived a more self serving lifestyle.  But, you kind of asked me to do this for you, so I made the sacrifice, because it was requested of me, and I felt I could afford to take the hit.

So, while it did set me back, and I was a bit frustrated at my situation, I wasn't really mad at you.

Then this year happens.  Day 16 happens.  I hope, pray, that you'd make the right tradeoff.  For me.  For us.

Didn't happen.  What?

In light of all the available information, you somehow concluded that I was less fit to hold that position in your life?

I asked you just one thing, one thing that came at the cost of a 16 day thing, so that I, a friend of years and years, could benefit, and my requested gets denied?

On top of that, you still asked me to deprioritize my feelings so that you can have an easier, less crappy time.

Frank got in a car accident.  Who was there, helping you find phone numbers, in the midst of inner turmoil?  I did.  You asked me to do that for you, and I manned up and did it.  For you.

Sinh Sinh.  Who did the best job he could not to ruin your evening of confirmation, congratulation, and pda twitterpaitedness honeymoon phase with your boyfriend?  Who was suffering, dying, on the inside, at the hands of his negligent best friend?  I did.

Who bawled and wept in private immediately afterward, when the pain was just too much?  I did.

You want to know why I sometimes fear the worst case scenario of me losing a 2nd friendship?

That after all the times you asked, and I gave, and all the times I didn't ask figuring you wouldn't give, I make the most pleading of all requests for you to choose me, and you don't give me what I ask.  You can't really justify why either.

So I feel like I'm being slighted by the person I trust most, and I get no explanation.  You see, if the explanation was good, I would be frustrated, but I would not be frustrated at you.

Now, I'm frustrated at you.  What's the point?

...

You mentioned something about how to go about moving on.  You said it wasn't smart to share your flaws first.

That angered me.

That basically says that if you want someone to eventually know you inside and out, make sure the order is right.  You can be completely honest, but only AFTER you have cleverly manipulated your presentation of self to be positive.

Future girlfriend, if you come across this, if dating is just like seeking Godly community, but on a much smaller, dyadic scale, should it not include the values of genuineness, honest, and authenticity?
posted by justin at 8:41 PM

So, without re-reading my old posts, this is how I justified my decision earlier this year.

1) I learn something about Risa, and it is good, therefore, I really want to explore that opportunity.

2) In terms of decision making, aren't I the more wise decision?  If I'm chosen, what are the costs?  If I'm not chosen, what are those costs?  How do those scenarios compare with each other?

3) God hates sin.  A personal extension of that, which is also biblically based, God values wisdom, and opposes recklessness.

4) Not that God loves us less when we commit sin, but should be not try to repent as much as possible?  Our life paths are a result of sin and mistakes, and wouldn't we be closer to God's will had we not committed those sins?  If I had the chance enforce the life path most close to God's will, should I not fight for that?

Makes sense right?  If I had sinned less in the past, I'd be on a different, more ideal life path.  If I had a chance to preserve an ideal life path in my mind, even if it hurts, I should do it.

So here are some thoughts from camp that clash with these previous thoughts.

The phrase "morally neutral" was used at discovery camp.  Is it possible that I've been spinning a neutral issue into a morally charged one?  Are the principles I'm citing relevant?

Morning 1 of impact:  the phrase "sinful self interest" was used.  Does that mean that there is such a thing as non-sinful self interest?  A motivating factor for my decision was that it would ultimately benefit her, at the cost of me.  Any seeking to engage in self preservation by seeking alternative girls, and thereby deviating from the idea life path.  Isn't the capacity to sacrifice for what's right, correct?  Now, with this newfound understanding, can i engage in self interest / self preservation and not be in sin?  Was God basically saying "yes, I can allow you to enjoy life".

Afternoon following:  1on1 with Kyle.  Go figure, Rachelle is engaged.  Not surprising, she's extremely attractive.  Guess that chapter is closed.

Morning 2:  wait a minute, is Renee a viable, God approved option?

Huh?

My brain went into overdrive.   Do we get along?  Do she love God?  What would a future with her look like?  So on and so on my mind went, because it was such a novel idea.

Why had I had considered her earlier, I pondered.  I realized most of my attractions have had inhibitors on them that made me have to wait.  Its not that they were attractive, or that I was unwilling to pursue them, but factors beyond my control made me think that such a pursuit would have to wait.  Any immediate or hasty decision would be unwise, and be of poor timing.

So, while not completely head over heels 'ZOMG YOU ARE THE ONE", I was incredibly intrigued in this possibility.  The inhibitor was lifted.  Suddenly, I had before me two equally viable and equally "right" feeling life choices.  If Renee were available, and Risa were not, I would be foolish to try to deny myself the Renee option because of "rightness".a

So the Renee option weighs on me until the end of camp.  I share my revelations with a close friend on the drive back to Austin.  Of his many good points, one was that it wasn't my responsibility to enforce the right life path.  Stop making it so hard on yourself, and just self preserve and move on, and its okay.  He also said that I was over applying selflessness and grace and sacrifice in an area that didn't warrant it.  While he didn't want to make me a more selfish person, this burden of giving up for what's right wasn't supposed to be mine to bear.

So,  time to revisit my initial research on the doctrine of providence.  God allows His moral will to be violated so that his providential will be increased.  I knew that already.  But wouldn't it be better that his providential will be done without moral violations, if we can help it?  Then I came across a passage in Acts 21, sometimes referred to as Paul's mistake.  While there are differing interpretations, here's the cliff's notes version:

In earlier chapters, Paul is compelled to visit jerusalem.
In chapter 21, his trusted peers "in the spirit" told him not to go.
An accredit prophet told him that trouble lay before him.
Paul disregards their views, and counters with "Why do you do this, inhibiting my zeal, don't you know I'm willing to die for Christ".
Paul goes on doing his own thing.
The rest of them say "let the Lord's will be done".

...

Wat?

His peers, and a prophet, Led by the Spirit, just let Paul do his own thing?  And the Spirit allowed it in terms of providential will?  The peers let him do his own thing, and the peers did not sin as a result?  Mind = blown.

In my personal world, knowing that he was deviating from a life path we knew was in the right via the spirit, seeing the atrocity of deviating from the true path would be unacceptable, and I would have put up a huge fight.  God's will is a big deal. Shall we sin such that grace my abound?  No way.  Don't abuse grace in terms of life path if you can help it.

One argument against me is that how close am I, really, to being 100% certain I'm correct.  How much should you commit to something you are only 60% certain is right, in the moral realm?  Earlier, I thought if something were 60% certain, you might as well be 100% because God want you to be bold in upholding integrity and virtue.  None of this in case I'm wrong, i better have an out.  I might be wrong in that area also.

so if disciples were led by the spirit, yet allowed the violation to occur, how arrogant am I, who's not a disciple, only 60% certain,  to force the violation to not occur?

So, maybe state your peace, then allow love, peace, and not strife to occur.  With newfound knowledge, I can move on, self maximize my opportunities within reason, without having to worry about God's will being violated.

And, if I were like Paul earlier in the year, well intentioned but ultimately misguided, now is the time to listen to the advice of people i trust, and not just do my own thing and be stupid just so that grace may abound.

Maybe this the out.  this is my comfort.  You don't have tell me twice to take it.
posted by justin at 7:08 PM

Just got back from camp.

So...I might be wrong.  Was always open to that possibility, but had no inkling of how I could be wrong, or what a more "right" alternative was.

More thoughts later.
posted by justin at 1:33 PM

You know you can call me any time, she says.  You can initiate communication too.  It doesn't have to always be me saying hello first, she suggests.

Particularly this year, why do I wait for her to call me, or for her to text me, in order for conversation to happen?

Because I want to be as least threatening as possible to her life.  Because of her schedule, there isn't that much upside for her if I were to initiate contact, but plenty of downside.

She could be busy.  She could be talking to Kim.  She could be running errands.  She could be talking to Frank.  She could actually be WITH Frank.  My job, as her friend, is to not screw things up.

Don't threaten Frank with your inside knowledge of Risa.  Don't threaten Frank with the particular chemistry me and Risa have together.  Stay within your limits just a friend.

Above all, don't interfere with Risa's life.  She has to make this decision on her own.  Actively opening lines of communication tempts me to spill out my thoughts and feelings, and my inner troubles can not influence her decision.

Sinh Sinh.  The emptiness that I experienced watching them pda.  At that time, the only thing I want to communicate is how I want the situation to change, and how crappy the situation is for me, and how Risa has the power to change all that.  But I can't.  I shouldn't.  She can't feel restricted on account  of my feelings, for that wouldn't be fair.

And initiating contact runs the biggest risk of applying restrictions to her life.  So as much as it pains me, as much as it kills me on the inside, I must allow her freedom.  Having her being primarily responsible for initiating conversation ensures that.
posted by justin at 12:48 AM

btw the catalyst for teh anxiety this time was facebook updates.  wednesday they had pizza.  today they to comedy sports.  twice so far this week.

its like having your death flash before your eyes.
posted by justin at 2:30 AM

watch me be all anxiety free in the morning after this late night breakdown.  just to make things even more confusing for me...
posted by justin at 2:20 AM

I concede that the following is from my experiential point of view, and may not accurately reflect the reality of the situation, but it is my experience, and until shown otherwise, it feels pretty damn real.

I meet Rachelle my freshman year.  I really wanted to get to know her.  I had opportunities to get to know her.  For all I know, she practically invited me to get to know her.  But I declined.  Why?  Because to me, the group is more important than me.  Slosh is more important than me.  More important than us.  It was most critical to invest time in others your first and second year, and not yourself.  Unfortunately I did this unilaterally, for I didn't know any better, but my heart was in the right place.  My personal needs were to come last, but I fear it may have set me back.

I meet Risa my senior year, as my friendship with Rachelle deteriorated into nothing.  I learn a few things from the Rachelle experience, and apply it with Risa.  No gender gaps allowed.  Down with socially constructed boundaries, and up with authenticity.  Risa likes me, but I couldn't date her.  So  I waited for her to get over me before I sought out romance for myself.  Yes, I was well aware she was occupying that GF slot, and possibly scaring others away from occupying that, but I wasn't going to ask her to get out of that slot.  She had to exit on her own terms.  My romantic pursuits could be delayed until she was over me, so that her emotional cost would be lessened.  Again, I placed her needs above my own, but I also fear that it may have set me back.

So then this year happens.  I apologize for the timing of my attraction, because it could easily be attributed to insecurity and jealousy, but it could also be legitimate attraction.  There's no way to isolate what's what, but I feel like I deserve that opportunity to figure it out.  She won't give me that opportunity. 

So I wait.  I fight for a reality that should be, not merely resign to what reality is.  Sometimes I think I'm crazy.  Sometimes I think she thinks I'm crazy (she says she doesn't).  But the selfless, loving thing to do here is to once again, put her needs above my own, so I take a huge risk and allow Risa to date Frank with as little protest out of me.  I can't affect, influence, tamper, or in any way bias her decision, as much as I believe I'm a choice worth choosing.  Though she says she understands my sacrifice, sometimes I feel like she doesn't.

Sometimes all I get out of her is an imaginary pat on the back.  "oh gosh, you're not going to abuse your abilities to play the game to win me back.  Thanks for letting me have such a great time with my current attractive choice that may ultimately cost you if I get lucky.  Here's a pat on the back, and a cookie."

And what happens in the end?  What if they go the distance?  Will she truly appreciate my placing her needs above my own?

"Yay, I have a rock on my finger.  you're such a trooper for letting me have this.  Have a cookie.."

That mental imagery of the lack of true, deep appreciation at the very moment want to be understood the most broke me down as i was trying to sleep.  I fear that once again, I'm going to be set back, but this time by the last person who should be delivering it.

"So let me get this straight.  My freshman year, I make a conscious decision to live for the collective, and I get set back.  Your freshman year, I make a conscious decision to have your life and your needs prioritized higher than mine, and I get set back.  In 2012, I again make a conscious decision to have your life and your needs prioritized higher than mine, potentially setting me back in the most extreme way possible, in from my POV the most unjust way possible.  You've just reached the finish line, and I have yet to start running the race for your good, and all I get from you is lip service "thank you"?"

"Tell me.  Is your fiance man enough to have made the same difficult but right choice I made?  Funny, I don't care what your response is, because the answer to that is hypothetical.  Guess what?  I made that difficult but right choice not once, but TWICE.  Once when you liked me, and once when I liked you.  If people are supposed to be drawn to such displays of character, why is it that you two finished the race, yet I have yet to start?"

-------

I'm hurting.  This hurts.  By regular social norms, what she is doing is definitely permissible.  No universally accepted code of conduct is being violated.  Two people consented to exclusive exploration, and my relationship with her was non binding, non restrictive.

That doesn't make this feel less like cheating.  My heart doesn't feel any less crushed and defeated knowing there was no breach of social contract.

My heart went above and beyond the "this for that" social contract in the past.  I wish, just once, someone would return the favor and do that for me, so that just once, I may receive benefit instead of sacrificing for someone else's benefit.



posted by justin at 2:14 AM

I think i know what this is.

This may be involuntary, subconscious overconfidence or false security.

The same thing I had when I first told her this year, and my experience waiting for her reply when she travelled to austin.

She told me in Austin.

My heart had not hurt so much.

Like getting the wind knocked out of you, when you least expect it.

So, more likely than not, i wait until my heart gets destroyed again.

Happened in January.

Happened Valentine's day.

Happened lindyfest.

Happened at confirmation weekend.

May not have happened this past weekend.

But it will proably happen soon.

Birthday?

Anniversaries?

Holidays?

Brace for impact, we should be at red alert, but we're not, and that's why its gonna suck even harder.
posted by justin at 10:35 PM

Maybe its just the massive hours of diablo distracting me, but the anxiety has not returned yet.  Here's another possible explanation why.

I'm trying my best not to tamper.  Discussions like "what are you goals, dreams, aspirations" and just general learnings of Risa are restricted.  In other words, I'm keeping my distance, and from a distance, she looks/feels like the person I befriended and didn't date in college.

But there's more to her than that.  There are still things to learn about her, things i want to know and discover and find fascinating and intriguing.  I know this, for that's what was happenning in the beginning of the year.  The things I discovered about her...that was intoxicating and attractive

So if I feel this way because i'm distancing myself from seeking out the attractive side of her, and subconciously discounting her, will I be able to regain the true, full perspective later on, or will I have pigeon-holed her? 

So is this what it feels like on her end?  She knows who I am, she was once attracted to me, but no longer is, even though I am the same person?  At first I couldn't understand why she was finding it difficult to regain a previous perspective when the person/situation is the same, but now I can see it it exists.

It just does.  It just is.  There is no control over it.

Well, for me, I'm would prefer not to use that as an excuse.  I would prefer not to allow shift in perspective change reality when there was no shift in reality.

Please please please I hope I can step up when the time is right.
posted by justin at 3:51 PM